Source
by LanaSmith
Summary: An alternate universe story. What if Neo had gone through the other door? Some decisions are more complicated than they seem. And some cannot be taken back. Updated Chapter 5- Some things are meant to be, no matter what path you take. Conclusion!
1. Decision

TITLE: Source  
  
AUTHOR: fanficauthor  
  
SUMMARY: What if Neo had gone through the other door? Some decisions are more complicated than they seem. And some cannot be taken back.  
  
CATEGORY: Alternate Universe/Drama  
  
RATING: R for language, some sexuality content, and some disturbing themes. SPOILERS: Stay away if you haven't seen "Reloaded" and want to view it in blissful ignorance.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: First off, thanks to The Zion Mainframe, without whose transcript this piece would not have been possible. And thanks to all those at The Hardline, who constantly say things that give me story ideas. Thanks in particular to Rae for her article on the Zen of summaries. Quite helpful! Much of this was written while listening to Coldplay and Maroon 5 songs, which give me some strange inspiration. This is an alternate universe story, and quite a mindfuck. I basically wanted to take away all the ideas surrounding the choice the Architect gave Neo that we find so comforting. Feedback is welcomed at lanasmith713@hotmail.com. Thanks for visiting my corner of the universe.  
  
Source  
  
Part One: Decision  
  
"The problem is choice."  
  
The moment the words were out of his mouth, Neo knew the power they carried. He knew that every word he spoke in here, every move he made in this place, was meant to decide something. He knew that The Architect had a plan for him.  
  
He could not get rid of the sinking feeling that everything was about to go straight to hell.  
  
Five other ones before him. Unknown to any humans.  
  
And, more importantly, unknown to him, the person they thought was going to fucking same them.  
  
Jesus.  
  
When The Architect spoke again, it was in a condescending tone, as if he was a grade school teacher, and Neo was a student that simply couldn't master his spelling list for the week.  
  
"The first Matrix I designed was quite naturally perfect, it was a work of art; flawless, sublime. A triumph equaled only by its monumental failure. The inevitability of its doom is apparent to me now as a consequence of the imperfection inherent in every human being. Thus, I redesigned it based on your history to more accurately reflect the varying grotesqueries of your nature."  
  
Neo saw visions flash before him. Visions of a horrible human past. Death, destruction, hopelessness.  
  
" However, I was again frustrated by failure. I have since come to understand that the answer eluded me because it required a lesser mind, or perhaps a mind less bound by the parameters of perfection. Thus, the answer was stumbled upon by another, an intuitive program, initially created to investigate certain aspects of the human psyche. If I am the father of the matrix, she would undoubtedly be its mother."  
  
Neo tried to piece it all together in his mind. "The Oracle."  
  
He was met with an infuriating response.  
  
" Please. As I was saying, she stumbled upon a solution whereby nearly ninety-nine percent of all test subjects accepted the program, as long as they were given a choice, even if they were only aware of the choice at a near unconscious level. While this answer functioned, it was obviously fundamentally flawed, thus creating the otherwise contradictory systemic anomaly, that if left unchecked might threaten the system itself. Ergo, those that refused the program, while a minority, if unchecked, would constitute an escalating probablility of disaster."  
  
Enough of this bullshit. Let's get to the point here. "This about Zion," Neo stated firmly.  
  
What the fuck did this guy want from him?  
  
The Architect met his gaze head on. "You are here because Zion is about to be destroyed; its every living inhabitant terminated, its entire existence eradicated."  
  
No. He didn't want to accept that. He didn't have to. He wouldn't.  
  
"Bullshit!"  
  
Neo was surprised to hear his television counterparts respond the same way.  
  
The Architect gave Neo a sarcastic smile. "Denial is the most predictable of all human responses, but rest assured, this will be the sixth time we have destroyed it, and we have become exceedingly efficient at it."  
  
He paused, letting the full effect of his words sink in.  
  
"The function of The One is now to return to the Source, allowing a temporary dissemination of the code you carry, reinserting the prime program. After which, you will be required to select from the Matrix twenty- three individuals, sixteen female, seven male, to rebuild Zion. Failure to comply with this process will result in a cataclysmic system crash, killing everyone connected to the Matrix, which, coupled with the extermination of Zion, will ultimately result in the extinction of the entire human race."  
  
Neo shook his head, as if that would somehow invalidate The Architect's statements.  
  
"You won't let it happen. You can't. You need human beings to survive."  
  
The Architect regarded him coldly. "There are levels of survival we are prepared to accept. However, the relevant issue is whether or not you are ready to accept the responsibility of the death of every human being in this world."  
  
The television screens were suddenly filled with images of people, young and old. They were talking, laughing, some were crying. Just living out their daily lives. Neo felt his heart break a little bit.  
  
"It is interesting, reading your reactions," The Architect continued. "Your five predecessors were, by design, based on a similar predication; a contingent affirmation that was meant to create a profound attachment to the rest of your species, facilitating the function of The One. While the others experienced this in a very general way, your experience is far more specific; vis a vis love."  
  
Neo's heart skipped several beats. "Trinity."  
  
"Apropos, she entered the Matrix to save your life, at the cost of her own."  
  
" No." Neo felt his entire body tense up. This is what he had been dreading. What he had seen over and over again in his dreams but had always refused to truly accept.  
  
"Which brings us at last to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed, and the anomaly revealed as both beginning and end. There are two doors. The door to your right leads to the Source, and the salvation of Zion. The door to your left leads back to the Matrix, to her and to the end of your species. As you adequately put, the problem is choice. But we already know what you are going to do, don't we? Already, I can see the chain reaction; the chemical precursors that signal the onset of an emotion, designed specifically to overwhelm logic and reason; an emotion that is already blinding you from the simple and obvious truth."  
  
Neo knew what he was going to say.  
  
Come on, say it. Get it over with.  
  
"She is going to die, and there is nothing you can do to stop it."  
  
As he saw the digital images of Trinity being beaten and broken, he knew it was true. He felt like crying, breaking something, killing someone. There was nothing he could do about it.  
  
But still, every fiber of Neo's being was telling him to go through the door that would lead to Trinity.  
  
Nothing he could do.  
  
He had always hoped that when this day came, he would be able to save her. He had always thought that, really. His abilities as The One had made him more self-assured, and he had always thought that he could protect Trinity. He wanted to, in and out of the matrix.  
  
He couldn't now.  
  
Couldn't keep her from death.  
  
Couldn't kill every single human being still plugged into the matrix.  
  
Couldn't.  
  
Ignoring the urges of his very core, he started to walk towards the door on his right. Before going through it, he turned to face the Architect.  
  
"You know what I'm going to do, huh?"  
  
"Based on your design, yes, quite right, I do."  
  
"Fuck my design. Fuck my emotions. Fuck you. I'm capable of doing what has to be done."  
  
Even as he spoke those words, the doubt was gnawing away at Neo.  
  
The Architect raised his eyebrows at Neo.  
  
"It seems you have lost hope."  
  
"I haven't lost hope."  
  
Liar. You're about to lose everything.  
  
The Architect chuckled. "Hope. It is the quintessential human delusion. Simultaneously the source of your greatest strength and your greatest weakness."  
  
Fucking prick.  
  
"If I were you," Neo had a hard time controlling his voice. "I would hope we don't meet again."  
  
The Architect gave him a knowing, amused glance. "We won't."  
  
Neo swallowed hard and turned back around.  
  
He forced his muscles to work.  
  
He walked through the door.  
  
***  
  
Trinity fell through the glass window, still firing at the agent.  
  
If she was going down, then this son of a bitch was going down with her.  
  
Of course, the agent would probably just get back up after he hit the pavement.  
  
She wouldn't.  
  
She knew this, but kept if firmly placed in the back of her mind.  
  
Falling.  
  
Having trouble telling if time is speeding up or slowing down.  
  
Fast or slow.  
  
Fast.  
  
Slow.  
  
Fire.  
  
Pain. One of the agent's bullets has hit its target.  
  
Trinity feels her mouth open in a silent scream of pain.  
  
She can taste the blood.  
  
Fire. One more time.  
  
Her bullet hits its target as well.  
  
Too tired. Stop firing. Pain. So much pain.  
  
Neo. God, I love you. I love you so much.  
  
I had to, Neo. I had to. I'm sorry.  
  
I am so sorry.  
  
Contact. Her body smashing against the car. Out of the corner of her eye she sees the agent meet a similar fate.  
  
Gasping for air.  
  
Slipping away.  
  
Feeling dizzy.  
  
Shards of glass invade her skin.  
  
Too much blood. She can smell it now.  
  
Dark.  
  
Slipping.  
  
Pain fading.  
  
Slowly fading.  
  
One last cognizant thought.  
  
I love you Neo, and I am so sorry.  
  
***  
  
To be continued.this chapter was really just the set-up. 


	2. Destiny

Part Two: Destiny  
  
***  
  
Neo once again found himself in a room. Only there was darkness this time, instead of blinding light. And then-  
  
Code.  
  
Somehow the last thing he had expected to find here. Pieces of code literally floating around the room.  
  
A room that shouldn't have been able to contain it, but did anyway.  
  
And then the little green tidbits started to form shapes.  
  
They were people.  
  
"Jesus," he muttered. He was looking at every single person in both the digital world and the real world through green coding.  
  
All at once, there they were.  
  
He could see the coding, but he could also see hands and arms and legs.  
  
And facial features. All their eyes seemed to be glowing a strange reddish- green color.  
  
He recognized some of the people.  
  
Morpheus. Link. And, oh shit, Kid. Well, he truly could not get away from him, could he?  
  
He could see them all. Plugged into the matrix and in the real world.  
  
He could see what they were doing. Going about their daily lives.  
  
Kid was talking to some orphans. Morpheus and Link were pacing around the Neb.  
  
And-  
  
Oh, God, they were crying. Why?  
  
It hit Neo like a stack of bricks being dropped on his chest.  
  
Trinity.  
  
Dead. Gone.  
  
No way for anyone to save her now.  
  
He'd made his choice.  
  
He knew what he had to do.  
  
He surveyed the thousands of people. Sixteen female, seven male.  
  
He tried his hardest to ignore the code that he knew was Trinity, smashed into the car and not breathing anymore.  
  
Concentrate, Neo. Focus.  
  
Somehow he knew what he was supposed to do.  
  
"Must be in the programming," he muttered sardonically.  
  
He squinted to try and discern more specific details about the people. Did they look strong, able-bodied?  
  
Neo tried to tell if the women were attractive. All he could see were outlines of facial shapes, and Trinity's face, with its sharp angels and smooth skin, crept into his mind.  
  
He immediately reached out to the shape of a woman, trying his hardest to focus on something other than Trinity.  
  
He touched the outline of the woman's neck. He realized what was happening, but couldn't say that he fully understood it.  
  
He was choosing her.  
  
As he touched her, a bright orange glow spread around her code.  
  
Neo took his hand off of her shape and touched someone else, a man this time. The same orange glow spread through the man as Neo touched him.  
  
Sixteen female. Glowing a brilliant bright orange.  
  
Seven male. Possessing an eerie orange glow.  
  
Neo sighed when he finished selecting the last person.  
  
He felt tears forming in his eyes, but he could not allow himself to cry.  
  
He smiled slightly, remembering. Trinity didn't like to let herself cry much, either. Hated to show her weakness.  
  
But she had shown it to him.  
  
To him.  
  
Neo fought back the tears and wondered what was to come next.  
  
He ran his fingers through his hair.  
  
In that instant, he saw a flash of yellow.  
  
And then white.  
  
And then blackness.  
  
And he could have sworn that he heard voices.  
  
The first voice.  
  
"Ah, so we begin the cycle again."  
  
The second voice.  
  
"Will there be no end?"  
  
***  
  
The first thing Neo saw when he regained consciousness was Morpheus's face.  
  
Neo half-expected him to say, "Welcome to the real world."  
  
But Morpheus said nothing. He was just looking at him sadly.  
  
Neo glanced around. There they all were. He had only chosen people that were already unplugged. It seemed kinder that way.  
  
He sat up. The cold, hard ground somehow seemed even colder and harder now.  
  
"Why are we here? What happened?"  
  
Neo looked at his inquisitor.  
  
Niobe.  
  
Neo sighed. He didn't want to explain to any of them. Did it really matter if they knew, anyway?  
  
"It doesn't matter. But we're here now."  
  
"The fuck it doesn't matter. Where the hell are we?  
  
Neo looked over at the man. Didn't recognize him.  
  
"I'm sorry. I can't tell you why we're here."  
  
"Neo."  
  
Morpheus. Speaking in that tone. That tone that indicated that no matter what happened, he would always possess his unwavering belief.  
  
It scared Neo.  
  
Standing up, Neo turned to face Morpheus.  
  
"Morpheus," he began hesitantly. "I'm sorry. I'm not who you thought I was."  
  
Morpheus's brow furrowed. "What?"  
  
"The one was never meant to end anything."  
  
"The prophecy."  
  
"Was a lie. I'm sorry."  
  
Neo saw the older man's world quietly crumble into a thousand pieces.  
  
"So then why are we here?"  
  
Kid. He looked scared shitless. Neo couldn't say he disagreed with that sentiment.  
  
"We're all that's left now."  
  
One of the women frowned. "What about Zion?"  
  
"In twenty-four hours it'll be destroyed. In twenty-four hours the war will be over."  
  
"We lost."  
  
Neo couldn't tell which one said that. It didn't really matter.  
  
"Yes. But we have to go on."  
  
"Why?" Neo was surprised to hear Morpheus talk like that. Like he had lost all hope.  
  
"We're all that's left. We have to start again."  
  
"Why, so they can destroy us all over again?" Niobe asked angrily.  
  
Neo could think of no encouraging answer, no heartening slogan.  
  
"If we don't go on, then there will be nothing left."  
  
"Like there's a hell of a lot left now."  
  
Neo looked over at Link. Some sort of silver chain was dangling around his neck. It looked like a huge charm bracelet.  
  
"I know we don't have much, but we can't quit now."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Once again, Neo couldn't think of the right words to say.  
  
"Because we have to."  
  
Neo tried not to grimace. He was sounding ridiculous to himself. He had no fucking clue where they even were and he was giving out marching orders.  
  
Another woman approached Neo. "Why just us? Why didn't more of us make it out?"  
  
Yet again, Neo chose not to explain. "There are enough of us here."  
  
"Where's here?"  
  
"Somewhere away from Zion."  
  
Neo noticed Morpheus sitting down.  
  
"Morpheus, what are you doing?"  
  
Morpheus would not meet his eyes. "I'm resting, Neo. I just need some rest."  
  
One by one, the other people began to sit down as well.  
  
Neo sighed. Perhaps they did just need some rest.  
  
Neo sat next to Morpheus on the dirty ground.  
  
"Morpheus. Did you watch her die?"  
  
Neo knew he didn't need to specify who he was talking about.  
  
"Yes. She was very brave. She put up quite a fight."  
  
Neo didn't talk for a while after that. He knew that if he tired to, his voice would come out as a choked sob.  
  
They were all silent for a long time.  
  
Finally, Neo got up and separated himself from the rest of the group.  
  
He felt the need to be alone.  
  
He stood by himself for a long time, looking at his dismal surroundings and thinking about the only woman he ever really loved.  
  
After a while, he felt someone tap him on the shoulder.  
  
It was Link.  
  
"Hey, Link." Neo even surprised himself by how tired he sounded.  
  
"Hey. I, uh, was wondering. If you're the one who chose who got to be here."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Did you ever consider Zee?"  
  
Neo's heart sank. Link's wife. God, he hadn't even thought about it.  
  
For just a second he looked into Link's eyes and saw himself.  
  
They had both lost the same thing.  
  
Neo looked away and forced himself to speak. "I just didn't think about it."  
  
He instantly knew that was the wrong thing to have said.  
  
Link stormed away from him and walked towards the edge of a pier.  
  
Neo thought he might jump for a second, but then he saw Link angrily yanking the charm off his neck and throwing it over the edge. Neo felt another hand on his shoulder.  
  
He turned to see one of the women. She had remained silent earlier. Neo could see how young she was by looking at her eyes. She had the body and face of a full-grown woman, but her eyes betrayed her youth.  
  
"Hello," she said nervously.  
  
"Hello." Neo tried to keep his voice void of any emotion.  
  
"Are you our leader?"  
  
"Your leader?"  
  
"Yes. I thought I heard someone call you The One."  
  
Neo remembered the Oracle's words. "The Source. Where the path of The One ends."  
  
He also remembered something that seemed so long ago, and yet, just like yesterday.  
  
"The Oracle told me that I would fall in love and that that man, the man that I loved would be The One. So you see, you can't be dead. You can't be because I love you. You hear me? I love you."  
  
Neo pulled himself back into the present and answered the girl.  
  
"I'm not The One anymore. I'm just a man."  
  
The girl smiled at him. "Maybe that will be enough."  
  
Neo smiled at her apparent innocence. "Yeah, maybe it will be." He paused. "What's your name?"  
  
"It's silly. Something I came up with in one of those dumb chat rooms."  
  
Neo was curious now. "What?"  
  
"Brink."  
  
"Brink. Right. Listen, Brink, please don't take offense at this, but I really need to be alone for a while."  
  
Brink nodded and walked off.  
  
Neo sank back down into the ground. Still thinking of Trinity. Even when he was talking to another woman, always thinking of Trinity. Neo fell into a troubled sleep after awhile.  
  
***  
  
In his dream, Neo was holding Trinity. Clutching her as if his life depended on it. And she was clutching him too. He spoke to her, the love in his voice unmistakable. "I'm not letting go. I can't. I love you too damn much."  
  
Half-asleep, half-awake, Neo began to cry. His sobs threatened to choke him.  
  
For the first time, he cried for Trinity.  
  
***  
  
To be continued.  
  
A/N:  
  
Thanks to everyone who reviewed this so far, and thanks to everyone who read it and didn't leave a review. You both make it worth my time. There's some awful stuff on this site, and the summary is my only weapon against you thinking this is some of it. Thanks for stopping by!  
  
I hesitated to call this chapter "Destiny" because there's an awful "Matrix" fic out there called "New Destiny" that everyone makes fun of. But I thought I'd stick to a theme for all my chapter titles. This fanfic is brought to you by the letter D.  
  
Just thought I'd mention that while it does not follow the plot, this story is inspired in part by the Martin Scorsese film "The Last Temptation of Christ." I wouldn't want to not give credit to one of my sources.  
  
In order to follow this plotline, I have to introduce some original characters. This is sort of breaking one of my own rules, for I am not a fan of original character stories. Some are well done; many go to Mary Sue land. I promise never to do that to you. 


	3. Delusion

Part Three: Delusion  
  
***  
  
Neo woke up to the sound of talking.  
  
He could no longer feel the embrace from Trinity that he had been able to feel in his dream.  
  
Better get used to it, he told himself resolutely. This is the way things are now.  
  
Neo felt something wet against his skin. He was appalled to find some tears still trickling down his face. He wiped them away as quickly as possible.  
  
He walked over to the others. He wasn't planning to take charge. He had done that enough to last him a lifetime. It was someone else's turn now.  
  
Morpheus turned to him. "We have to get moving."  
  
"Where?"  
  
Morpheus sighed, still exhausted. "I don't know, Neo. Let's just get moving."  
  
A man spoke up. The same man that had angrily demanded an answer of Neo earlier.  
  
"Do we start moving right or left?"  
  
The déjà vu hit Neo hard.  
  
Right path or left path.  
  
Left door or right door.  
  
Two choices.  
  
Two. Not one, not three.  
  
Three. Trinity.  
  
"Let's go left," Neo said quietly, his voice almost breaking.  
  
"Why?" the man asked.  
  
"I think we were meant to all along."  
***  
  
It was the longest fucking walk ever.  
  
Neo was absolutely certain that in the history of humans having legs, no other group of people had put them to this much use.  
  
And he was in front, and completely lost.  
  
He couldn't have told you how long they'd been moving.  
  
They were going way the fuck left.  
  
"Hey, I think I see something!"  
  
Whoever said that was being much too enthusiastic for Neo's taste.  
  
But he could see something too.  
  
It looked like some bizarre sort of community.  
  
Except for the fact that it seemed to be completely deserted.  
  
"Come on." Neo didn't even realize he said that aloud.  
  
They explored the strange buildings. Houses only-  
  
You could barely call them that. They were beds in each room. And one table and some food.  
  
The food supply looked as though it could only last for about a year, and Neo couldn't think of any other food sources that they could possibly haveEveryone was quick to settle down in one room or another. They needed their rest, after all.  
  
So did he.  
  
But he could not make himself rest.  
  
He knew why they were here. He wondered how long it would take the others to catch on. He wondered if they would even care when they did.  
  
He wondered.  
  
He missed her. He would always miss her.  
  
A small smile crept across his face. So this is how they had ended up. Dutiful resistance fighters, all of them. And now-  
  
They were being used for breeding.  
  
They weren't going to start Zion again by fighting some battle or solving some puzzle.  
  
Some entity, some machine, some god even, whatever the hell was behind all this madness, simply wanted them to fuck to their hearts content and have enough babies to form a new generation.  
  
Maybe they wouldn't even see their children.  
  
Neo was almost glad Trinity wasn't here to see this. She had died fighting. She didn't deserve to be used as some cheap reproductive tool.  
  
Neo smiled again at the thought that perhaps Trinity wouldn't have minded making love to him over and over again in some secluded little house in a far away community.  
  
It almost sounded like their joint dream, to be together like that.  
  
And yet.  
  
And yet.  
  
Before he even had the chance to think, 'Oh God, what have I done?' a knock came at the door of the little house he had been sitting in.  
  
Once again, he seemed to have lost all concept of time.  
  
He didn't answer the knock, and wondered if they would come in on their own.  
  
They did.  
  
"Hey," Brink said, leaning against the doorway.  
  
"Hey," Neo answered, not even feigning interest.  
  
"Everyone else has picked a room."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Some of them have started sleeping together."  
  
Neo cocked an eyebrow at her. "This soon?" Somehow he found that hard to believe, even in situations like this.  
  
"Well, not sex, but they've started to pair off."  
  
A pause.  
  
"That's what we're here for, isn't it?"  
  
Brink took Neo's silence as a resounding yes.  
  
She began to walk towards him. Neo instinctively stood up and drew back a little.This was starting to feel wrong.  
  
The innocence he had seen earlier in Brink's eyes was gone now. Now she had the eyes of-  
  
Oh God, yes she was reminding him of her.  
  
Well, at least she wasn't demanding this as payment. But it was simply so she could feel.  
  
Neo did not stop her when she kissed him. But he did not kiss back. Couldn't pretend that she was the one person that he had ever really enjoyed kissing.  
  
Neo pushed Brink away. He was tired and cold and alone. But he was not so desperate to delude himself into thinking that this experience was going to be in any way special.  
  
"Why?" he demanded of her.  
  
"You don't love me." She said it matter-of-factly.  
  
"No." He couldn't lie to her convincingly about that subject.  
  
He had never been a good liar.  
  
"I'll take what I can get."  
  
She smiled at him then.  
  
Nice smile.  
  
Not spectacular.  
  
When she kissed him again he kissed back.  
  
It wasn't that he wanted her so desperately. He wasn't even sure if he wanted her at all. But if this was why they were here-  
  
Fuck, he gave up. He surrendered. He was so goddamned tired.  
  
So tired.  
  
***  
  
He woke up next to her. For one, blissful second he had thought maybe it was Trinity in bed next to him.  
  
But then that second had passed.  
  
It wasn't that it was terrible with Brink. It was, well, it was sex. Sex in the matrix had always been enjoyable, but it had never been amazing.  
  
It was different with Trinity.  
  
It was not different with Brink.  
  
He touched her in all the places he had to and went through all the movements without adding anything extra. She seemed to enjoy it. But she was different than him.  
  
To him it had felt like a betrayal.  
  
The logical part of his mind told him that that was ridiculous. You can't betray a dead person. Trinity was dead, gone.  
  
But somehow she wasn't to him.  
  
Deep in his heart, and in his mind too, really he still loved her. Still loved Trinity.  
  
And his heart was breaking.  
  
He hadn't thought of her while he was with Brink. He loved her too much to think of her then.  
  
Neo sat up in bed and buried his hands in his head. This time he let the thought come to him.  
  
'Oh God, what have I done?'  
  
***  
  
To be continued.  
  
A/N:  
  
Again, thanks for reviews and time spent reading this piece.  
  
The conclusion draws nearer.  
  
I have a sneaking suspicion that this chapter may anger some readers. Flame me if you must. Of course, if you like the piece you're welcome to review it too. ( 


	4. Disenchantment

Hey, you, the 11 year old kid poking around this site.HIT THE BACK BUTTON!  
  
***  
  
Part Four: Disenchantment  
  
***  
  
Neo had lost track of the time. It had been months, but it might as well have been decades. He used to wonder what would happen to him if he ever lost her. He used to be certain that he would just cease to function. Well, that had turned out to be almost true.  
  
He ate. He slept. If Brink wanted to sleep next to him he would let her. He would even give her sex if she wanted that. But he could never make her happy. She wanted his love, his devotion. His companionship. And, aside from being a warm body next to hers, those were things that he simply could not give her. And she knew that, deep down.  
  
She was using him, in a way. And he was using her. It was like an unspoken mutual agreement. Neo couldn't promise her that if another woman asked for a warm body he wouldn't accept. And Brink couldn't promise him that she would confine herself to his bed.  
  
They weren't the only ones who were like that. Everyone knew that Morpheus and Niobe and sought comfort in each other and resumed their former roles as lovers. Although, of course, they didn't think of it that way. No one did, here in their little nameless community. When offers came, you took them. And at the end of the day, if you happened to be in bed with someone else by that time, then the events of that day were simply not discussed.  
  
If the people of Zion had had a casual attitude towards sex, then Neo thought of the attitude toward it here as almost non-existent. It was remarkably un-special; it simply happened. It was a natural function, almost like using the bathroom. No pleasure, no pain. Just the basics.  
  
They had not heard exactly when Zion had fallen. They had not cared. Neo in particular felt like an undeserving escapee from the slaughter. But he wasn't the only one that felt that way. They had had two suicides.  
  
Neo had been right there the first time. When Link, wrought with guilt, had simply walked over the edge of the pier as if he was just going for an everyday stroll. Neo could have stopped him. But he didn't let himself. His mind told him that that would have been cruel. He had thought that maybe, just maybe, Link would be happier now. Happier than him. And he did not want to deny him that luxury.  
  
The second time, Neo had only heard stories. A man whose name he had never bothered to learn had jumped over the edge of the same pier. People said he went crazy from the boredom. He'd always looked as though he wished someone would remember his name.  
  
Neo couldn't blame him. The days were completely monotonous. Neo entertained himself with thoughts. Sometimes he thought of his old life in the Matrix. He smiled as he remembered what a geek Thomas A. Anderson was and smiled even wider when he remembered that he was still a geek. Neo liked to think of himself that way. Especially now. Felt natural.  
  
Sometimes he thought of life aboard the Neb. He thought about the confusion and anger when he was first unplugged. He thought about the realization that his entire life had been a lie. He thought about realizing the was The One. How happy he had been then, in that moment. Confused as hell, but happy. The fucking One. Imagine.  
  
And that led to thinking about Trinity. The pure lust he had felt when he first saw her in the club. The panic when he saw her going down with that helicopter. The joy when he first realized that she loved him and wanted him as much as he wanted her.  
  
Neo didn't let himself think about Trinity very much. No, that would make him absolutely lose his sanity. Thoughts about Trinity were like little treats he would throw himself if he had been good for a while.  
  
And now he was thinking about her in the one place, in the one time, that it would cause the most trouble.  
  
During sex.  
  
The memories came flooding in and Neo could not stop them. Despite his sincerest efforts, he was thinking of Trinity's feel, her very essence. The way her skin felt so much softer than everyone else's under his touch. The way she would make quiet, almost inaudible sounds when he ran his hands along that smooth skin. The sensation of her hair brushing against his neck and shoulders. The way he ran his fingers through it. The bizarre feeling of kissing her chest plugs, like liquid metal. Neo could not help thinking about the way they seemed to meld into a single person or the way her kisses were deep and searing.  
  
He couldn't help it. The room was dark for once. It was so easy to imagine. Not really pretend. Brink was so different, how could he pretend? But he could imagine.  
  
And he could remember.  
  
It was heaven that first time, pure heaven. In her cabin in Zion. It felt like they were escaping the cold that first time. Like they were the only ones who were warm that night. Looking into her eyes, Neo could see the love. The desire. It made him feel wonderful, because he was certain that the same look was in his eyes.  
  
Hearing her voice quietly moan his name was indescribably magnificent.  
  
And he moaned hers.  
  
"Fuck you!"  
  
Neo shook himself out of him reverie. "What?"  
  
"I said fuck you, Neo! I thought that for once you were enjoying being with me, and you go off on some shit about Trinity! Who the hell is Trinity?"  
  
Neo cursed himself silently. Why would fucking go and do something like that?  
  
"Brink," he started. "I'm sorry."  
  
She was already up and dressed. "It's not like we're some couple or something, but I thought you were decent, you know." She said the word couple venomously.  
  
Neo couldn't argue with her. It wasn't a decent thing to moan someone else's name during sex. But he wouldn't stop her from leaving. It was probably best that she left.  
  
Neo stood up and got dressed hurriedly, trying to say out of Brink's sight.  
  
"Who's Trinity?" Brink asked quietly.  
  
"An old friend."  
  
Brink smirked. "Friend or girlfriend?"  
  
"Girlfriend," Neo answered harshly, walking towards Brink. "She's dead now." The words caused tears to sting in his eyes. He surprised himself by saying them.  
  
Brink rolled her eyes. "Still pining over some dead girlfriend."  
  
Neo snapped. Something inside him just went off. His hand connected with Brink's cheek. Hard. Christ, he hadn't even really meant to. It was an almost unconscious reaction."  
  
Neo drew back, appalled. Suddenly he was smacking people who insulted Trinity.  
  
"Fuck. I'm sorry." Brink was already out the door. Long gone. Neo knew she wouldn't be back.  
  
Neo walked out the door. And he kept walking. This wasn't right. This didn't even feel real. Neo reached the pier.  
  
For a short-lived moment he considered going off the edge of that pier. But then he knew he couldn't. Shouldn't. There was something else out there, there had to be. He was sick and fucking tired of this. Tired of this shit. Neo wished he could have caught Trinity in his arms and held her and saved her. And skipped all this. It disgusted him that these were the people he had chosen over Trinity. Trinity that he loved and wanted and needed.  
  
Neo leaned closer to the edge of the pier. And then he did something that he'd never expected to do. Something that he had really never done before. Something that had been boiling up inside of him.  
  
He screamed.  
  
It was a low, bellowing scream. All the pain and confusion and sadness and remorse poured out all over the ledges of that pier. It echoed across the whole area. Neo saw several people walk out of their houses and gawk at him.  
  
He didn't look back. And he didn't say goodbye. Not to Morpheus, not to anyone. He turned in the opposite direction and started walking.  
  
To be continued.  
  
***  
  
A/N:  
  
This has gone off in an interesting direction. The conclusion might be further away than I thought.  
  
Reviews are welcomed and appreciated, of course.  
  
Hey, you, kid. I told you to hit the back button. 


	5. Deja Vu

Part Five: Déjà Vu  
  
***  
  
Neo had no idea where he was going. But he knew where he had been. And he knew he wasn't going back there. Every part of him, despite all logic, wanted to do something that he should have known was impossible.  
  
He wanted to find Trinity.  
  
He wanted to get her back. If you had asked him then why he had chosen the door on the right, he couldn't have told you. It was more of a blur in his mind then a conscious decision that he remembered making. It was like he had forgotten something that he had never really known in the first place.  
  
It was freezing. Neo usually didn't leave his house after dark, and the cold night air came as quite a shock to him. He felt like the wind was a huge person, trying with all its might to push him backwards. But he wasn't budging.  
  
Neo wondered why he hadn't done this sooner. How many nights had he lain awake wanting to run, walk, fly, skip- hell it didn't matter- to wherever she was? Too many. And when the dreams started he was powerless to stop them. They weren't like his thoughts, which he could maintain some measure of control over.  
  
They came whenever they pleased. Just like before. Only this time, he saw the bullet take its effects. He saw her die. Saw her gasping for air and taking her last breath. But the dreams weren't all bad. Sometimes they were holding each other tightly.  
  
Neo couldn't decide which type of dream was worse to wake up to. Seeing Trinity dying and waking up shuddering thinking about the truth of the dream, or waking up from a dream and realizing that his precious time with Trinity had been just that-  
  
A dream.  
  
The cold was becoming too much for Neo. Not that he could feel most of his body at this point. He sat down in the middle of nowhere. He didn't think that he'd ever see anything but dust, dark sky and dirty ground for the rest of his life. He tried to get back up, but he couldn't make his feet work.  
  
"Fuck," Neo muttered to himself. He couldn't stop here. Couldn't quit here. He knew that if he didn't force himself to get up that instant, he probably never would. He struggled to his feet, and seconds later, found himself lying facedown in the dirt. Fucking rocks.  
  
Neo raised his head and looked up at the sky. Strange. Almost total blackness. And then it seemed like it was coming down on him enveloping him. And then he was lost in the blackness.  
  
***  
  
White. The same blinding light he had seen before. This was the door made of light from his dreams. Again? Why?  
  
"You're here to understand why you made the choice."  
  
The Oracle. "Why did you bring me back here?"  
  
"Good luck, kiddo." Neo sighed and walked into the light.  
  
It was happening all over again. The Architect's speech. Neo couldn't tell if The Architect knew that he was saying all this for the second time or not. But Neo was tired of hearing it. He was tired of everything except Trinity.  
  
Without speaking to The Architect, or even looking at him, Neo walked through the door on his right. A single thought, a single person invaded his mind completely.  
  
Trinity.  
  
The second Neo walked through the door he was faced with fire. Some sort of explosion. It didn't affect him that much. He was ready to fly. Using every ounce of strength he had, he propelled himself through the flames. Gritting his teeth, he flew with a speed that he hadn't known was possible.  
  
Neo flew out of the building's window and through the city. He knew where to go. He had seen this all before in this nightmares. As long ago as that was, they were still so vivid. He consciously stopped the flow of everything around him. It all seemed to be going in slow motion.  
  
Neo flew through the swirl of cars and debris. Trinity. He could see her falling. He swooped down and grabbed her with more focus and more purpose than he knew he had within him. A great sense of relief overtook him, even though he knew that she wasn't safe yet. He tried to hold her gently as he flew her to the nearby rooftop. He didn't want to hurt her further; she was already writhing in pain.  
  
He laid her down gently on the rooftop. His heart broke. God, she was dying. After all he had been through, after all she had been through, here she was dying. He felt a tear trickle down his face.  
  
"Trinity," he said desperately.  
  
"I'm sorry." They both said it at the same time. Trinity looked up at him with pained, confused eyes.  
  
"For what?"  
  
He couldn't explain it to her now. The tears were still coming, and they would have embarrassed him in any other situation. God, she was so much stronger than he was. He could see the tears in her eyes, but she held them back. One of his tears landed on her chest. Right on the bullet wound.  
  
It seemed like they both gasped simultaneously. They both looked at the spot where the tear had landed. It was healing. Slowly, through some inexplicable miracle, the bullet wound was disappearing.  
  
As Trinity saw her fatal injury evaporate into thin air, she felt a tear start to trickle down her face as well. The pain was fading. Slowly fading. But she was alive, restored. Her concern for Neo was greater than her relief at her own safety. She had never seen him cry before.  
  
Trinity did the only thing that would have felt right then. She sat up and kissed him passionately, fiercely. When they broke apart, Neo looked at her with wonder in his eyes. Neither one of them was silly enough to question what had just happened. They were simply grateful for it.  
  
"I guess we're even now," Trinity said, smirking slightly. She had a sense of humor, or irony, at least, even now. Neo loved her for it.  
  
Neo was struggling between the urge to kiss her and the urge to burst into tears. He did both, kissing her passionately and burying his face in her neck after they had parted. Trinity had no idea why he was sobbing, or what he could possibly be sorry for.  
  
Whatever it was, it was okay now.  
  
They held each other for a long time. 


End file.
